Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Ben

Dear Benjamin,

My son. My sunshine. Having you in our life has made me feel totally complete, satisfied, fulfilled, content and at peace. I had no idea months ago how much I would love being a mother to two children. In fact, I wondered if my heart could love anymore. Now I realize I had no need to worry. In the instant that you took your first breath, my heart opened to you and brought you in forever.

The past three months have been the best of my life. I have lived so present in every moment because of you. I know how quickly time will pass, and so I have enjoyed every second of you. Even our middle-of-the night "dates". I actually love the feedings that interrupt our sleep, because it is just a little more time that I can stare into your eyes and snuggle against your soft skin. 

I call you my sunshine because you are so bright, so happy, so full of life. Just like the sun, you bring life to our days. You are warm and cheerful and one of God's most beautiful creations.

How is it that I can have so much fun with a little baby that sleeps most of the time? I think that speaks to who you are and will be. You are a joy to be with. Even as an infant there is something special about you that brings out the best in others. I feel it. With you, I am the best version of myself. I want to give to you. I want to laugh with you. I want to see what tomorrow brings. 

Wow - how lucky am I? I think this all the time. What did I do to deserve such amazing children? Both you and your sister blow me away! You are amazing. You give so much to us.  In the quiet moments I share with you, I try to find the right words to convey my pride in you. I try to give you enough kisses and snuggles to ensure you know your special place in my heart. I try to find the right stories to motivate you to take this world by storm! But mostly I give thanks for you. I'm really quite selfish in those moments, because I rock you a little longer than I need to just so I can steal a few more moments for myself. Even in the middle of the night, in my PJs, darkness all around - you give to me. You give so much to me. Will you ever understand? Can I ever find the right words to explain the joy you give to me? 

I am loving in new ways. Thank you for that. Thank you for the way you snuggle into my chest. Thank you for the sideways smile that warms me to my core. Thank you for your gentle disposition. Thank you for the sweet sounds you make when you sleep. Thank you for the way you search for me in a room full of people. Thank you for all of the wonderful moments ahead. I can't wait!

You will be starting school in the morning and I am not sure yet how I am going to walk out of the room. I know with every cell in my body that you will be loved at school. But you and I know that we have a special bond......a little something extra special between the two of us - and man am I going to miss having that to myself all day long. But we will find a new groove and I promise that you will still get all of  my love. No scrimping on the hugs and kisses!

You will be in my heart and mind tomorrow, and all my days. My son. My sun. I love you like crazy. 


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