A Generous Soul

Hey Lily.

Did I hurt your feelings?

I'm sorry baby.

Am I paying too much attention to Ben? It is true that I am soaking him up these days. I simply can't help myself.

It's just that your little brother is about to turn one. One. Do you know what that means?

It means his chub will soon melt away. That delicious smell of baby - gone. His gummy smile will be replaced with teeth that need to be brushed. It means he won't want fall asleep under my chin, or grip my shoulder as I carry him through the halls. He will take a step - and then run - and then disappear with friends and girlfriends and.....well, you know. The babble will become words. His dependence will become independence. He wont throw his arms up in celebration when I walk in the room. The diapers will go. The bottles tossed. The toys and highchair and baby equipment off to consignment. The crib passed on to a family awaiting a new baby - a new bundle of chub and babble.

It's all just happening way too fast. I hope you understand that I just need to stare at him for one extra second. Hold him just a little longer. Rock him even though he is fast asleep. Because it will be over soon. This, this phase of my life. This raising of babies will be over soon.

I felt different with you. For you. I was so excited about every milestone that came your way. "Let's do it." "Wasn't that fun." "What's next."

Well now I know what is next. And its all great. But the problem with "what's next" is that it means something else won't happen ever again. And my mother-soul just swells with love and pride and sadness and loss all at the same time. And that familiar lump rests in my throat as I turn the lights off and lay in bed ---- thinking ---- about you two in the next room.

It's not that I love him more. I promise. This need to linger is for you both. I need to cherish all the miracles you have brought to my life, this very day that I will miss with such intensity and the joys I can only imagine ahead.

_____

Tomorrow is Saturday. We have fun plans. I am anxious to hold your hand. Rub noses and swap kisses. And rock you until you fall fast, fast asleep.

Lily - As you have from your first day as my daughter, you have given me room to feel my way through motherhood - even when it comes to the relationship between your brother and me. Thank you for giving me the past few days to endulge. I know it was tough to be so generous, and yet you do it with such grace.

Tomorrow is for us my Lily love. All for us.

Heart Ache.

Oh Ben. You are breaking my heart. And when boys used to break my heart, I would write them a letter and fold it up and never send it to them. I needed some place to pour all that heartache. But you are a little different. It's the good kind of heart break. The kind of pain that can only come from crazy, huge happiness.

You are a big chunk of crazy, huge happiness. You are so yummy that I think you should be bottled up and spread on a bagel! Benja-yumminess!

So instead of writing a letter and shoving it in my journal for no one to read, ever, here is a very public love fest in honor of you! Just a few of the thousands of reasons I am totally in love with you!

- your sunny blond hair sticks up in the funniest places. I love to peek in on you first thing in the morning to see what is sticking up where!

- You have like 10 teeth. Really. You smile and look like a three-year old. We call you the "man baby".

- Your nose crinkles when you smile and its adorable.

- You say, "bee, bee, bee" and I am not sure if you are saying Ben, bottle, bed, bye-bye or nothing at all. But you don't seem to be frustrated by our lack of understanding.

- You are so chill. Your sister tugs on you. You fell nose-first out of your high chair. I kiss all over your face. And you take it all with a smile.

- You love your new trucks. Somehow you know just what to do with them.

- You give the biggest kisses ever! And lots of them. I love the wet, gooey kisses more than just about anything.

- You point to your Papa every time you see him, like you are saying, "you da man." You guys are buddies already.

- You love your new car seat and sit up like a man-king!

I could just go on and on and on. You make me smile and laugh every day, my love!

So yes, my heart is breaking. But its okay little man. No hard feelings. I'll shed a tear and long for these moments that are going by too fast. But the good news is that I know something even better is waiting for me with every sunrise! You are the first face I see everyday, and I think, "what will my son-shine bring today!"